Practical Ways to Truly Support a Grieving Friend
“What can I do to help?”
When I lost Mitch, one of the most common things people said to me was, “Let me know if you need anything!” or “What can I do to help?” I know these words came from a place of love and support, but honestly? They started to feel like nails on a chalkboard. Not because I didn’t appreciate the sentiment, but because I had no idea what I needed. My body was in shock, I was barely making it through each minute of the day, and the last thing I could do was make a to-do list for other people.
Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I want to share what actually was helpful so that if you ever find yourself wanting to support someone who is grieving, you’ll know exactly what to do.
1. Don’t Ask, Just Do
Instead of asking what needs to be done, take action. One day, I came home and found my entire house had been cleaned, and a load of laundry was done and folded. It was incredible. A dreaded task that I didn’t have the energy to deal with was just done.
Another time, I came home from Mitch’s visitation to find that my amazing neighbors had arranged an entire dinner—set up and ready to go in my kitchen. I didn’t have to think, plan, or prepare. I just had to sit down and eat. It was the definition of helpful.
2. Rethink the Food You Bring
Food is always appreciated, but let’s be honest—there are only so many casseroles a person can eat. The best food gestures were when people texted me saying, “I’m picking up [insert favorite takeout]. What do you want? I’ll drop it off.” This gave us the freedom to eat what actually sounded good.
Another game-changer? “Grief groceries.” Someone once dropped off a bag of basics—milk, eggs, bread, fresh fruit, snacks for the kids. It was perfect because it wasn’t just another meal; it was food that let us function without a grocery run.
3. Handle the “Little” Big Things
Picking out an outfit for the funeral felt like an impossible task. My brain was overloaded, and even the simplest decisions felt monumental. A few close friends took it upon themselves to go to the mall and pick out several dress options for me—plus shoes, jewelry, even sunglasses (to hide my swollen eyes). I didn’t have to think about it, and yet I had exactly what I needed.
If you don’t feel comfortable making clothing choices, consider another daily task: arrange for a housecleaning service, drop off essentials, or even handle a few errands. Taking these small but overwhelming decisions off a grieving person’s plate is a true gift.
4. Help with the Kids
For me, one of the most helpful things was when trusted friends and family offered to take my kids for a playdate or activity. Whether it gave me time to grieve alone, run errands, or even just have some adult time, it was an enormous relief.
Of course, not all grieving parents will feel the same way, and not all kids will be eager to go with others. But if it seems like a good fit, offering to step in—whether for an afternoon or just long enough for them to take a deep breath—can make a world of difference.
The Bottom Line: Don’t Ask, Just Do
The most important thing to remember when helping someone who is grieving? Don’t ask what they need—just do something. When you ask, “What can I do?” you unintentionally put the burden on them to come up with an answer. In reality, they likely have no idea.
Instead, take action in ways that make sense—drop off a meal (but not another casserole), send a gift card for groceries or a favorite restaurant, offer to take care of small but necessary tasks. The little things may not seem like much, but in the fog of grief, they mean everything.